In the epic tradition of Game of Thrones battles,”Battle of the Bastards” more than lives up to its hype, but in a atypical way for this show. It bucks the series’ own subversions in favor of an all-out catharsis, a catharsis made all the more sweet by the painfully twisted journey that took us (and Jon, Sansa, Dany, Tyrion etc.) through hell. When so many tropes are zagged, it’s momentous when one is played straight. Such is the case here. Even better, it makes us question our own convictions by sparing no detail, whether it is the nastiness of medieval battling or the comeuppance for a major villain
For simplicity’s sake, these reviews will be formatted thus: by clicking Next, we start in the furthest north and go south – covering the Wall, the North, King’s Landing and the rest of the Seven Kingdoms – and then east, to the Free Cities of Essos and finally, the Dothraki Sea and Slaver’s Bay. I’ve linked to the various sections below if you prefer to skip around with the episode’s storylines. The storylines that were not touched on this episode are italicized.
The North: Jon, Sansa, Tormund, Davos, Melisandre, Ramsay
After a Meereenese prologue, we’re taken straight to the North, to a parley between Jon and Sansa and Ramsay. After Ramsay’s usual lying about mercy and such, Jon proposes a solution: Ramsay v. Jon, one on one, mano y mano, fight night, assorted Jesse Eisenberg babbling.
Ramsay is cocky, bragging about his army’s size. But Jon mentions his refusal proves his cowardice. The chastened Lord of Bolton reminds them he has Rickon and proves it with the head of Shaggydog. They prepare to battle the next day.
At Jon’s camp, he consults with his battle commanders, namely Davos and Tormund. Ramsay can’t risk simply waiting in Winterfell, allowing his power of fear to diminish while he cowers. Jon taunted him to get him off balance, to get him angry. Between Davos’ battle plan and Tormund troops, they aim to turn their numbers against him by shoring up their flanks and baiting them into a trap.
Sansa is a bit peeved her input has been ignored, especially with her insight in Ramsay’s sick and twisted mind. She pleads with Jon not to fall into his hands while Jon says he is plenty prepared from his years in the Night’s Watch. He means it to be comforting but it comes off as overconfidence and Sansa notices, saying no matter the outcome tomorrow, she will never return to Ramsay’s side alive.
Davos and Tormund get a nice pair moment on the way back and it makes me realize why have we not seen them together before? They relate on serving false kings like Stannis and Mance but now agree Jon, who is not a king, is their next best option. Tormund offers to take Davos drinking, but the Onion Knight wisely says no. Outside camp, he stumbles across a remnant from Stannis’ march: the wooden stag he gifted to Princess Shireen and the pyre on which she was immolated. He puts two-and-two together and finally understands what happened.
Jon visits Melisandre. She doesn’t have much to say about the battle, but he wants her to promise: never to resurrect him again. She however doesn’t agree; she serves not he but the Lord of the Light and it is he who wants Jon Snow alive, apparently. For what, she cannot say. Perhaps to die again? Great pep talk! Jon’s eyes say as he leaves.
The next day is the battle. The two armies face each other with a field between them as Ramsay wordlessly takes a bound Rickon to the front of the army. He’s surprisingly unvarnished, as far as Ramsay prisoners go (just ask Theon). He proposes one of his “little games.” He promises Rickon if he follows the rules, he’ll be reunited with Jon (shudders). Then Ramsay, a noted archer, pulls his bow.
He tells him to start running and keep running. Then he starts firing. Jon sees what he’s up to and desperately gets to his horse and races across the field to his little half-brother. But he was never going to save Rickon, as Sansa said earlier. He was always dead, sadly. Then Ramsay stops playing his game and kills him.
Jon like a freaking idiot who didn’t discuss this with Sansa the night before, charges forward. Davos, realizing the folly, nonetheless can’t let his noble battle commander kill himself so orders the army to follow his charge.
Jon is far ahead though and Ramsay’s first arrow volley downs his horse. Which yields this great shot of Jon staring down the Bolton cavalry charge. It speaks to the narrative unpredictability of this show that this shot, coupled with his previous conversation with Melisandre, can genuinely make the viewer (i.e. me) wonder if this is actually it for the Bastard of Winterfell.
However, killing Jon twice would be storytelling malpractice, no matter the circumstance so of course his army’s horses arrive just in time to meet the Boltons’ smashing together and dissolving into a brilliant oner of Jon miraculously making his way through the chaos of the battle. What the show communicates really well is the sheer randomness of medieval battles and that luck as much as skill was needed to survive these fights.
Eventually, all of Jon’s forces are drawn on the battle so Ramsay sends in Smalljon Umber to lead his infantry and finish them. The Bolton forces encircle the Stark army and slowly enclose with spears and shields. Even Wun Wun can’t break the line as he tanks for the army. Jon’s forces are compacted, crushing him beneath piles of warm and cold bodies, the living and the dead. Tormund is overtaken by Smalljon and all seems lost . . .
. . . the Knights of the Vale show up. Yep, much like Stannis at the Battle of Blackwater way back in Season 2 and Stannis again at the Battle of Castle Black in Season 4 (mentioned this episode), a desperately outnumbered force is save by the surprise flanking maneuver of a superior mounted forces. In this case, it’s Littlefinger who Sansa secretly called in (SIDE NOTE: why did she persist in keeping this secret? So she could pull an awesome rabbit out the hat after Jon’s anger almost got them all killed?).
The tide turnt, Tormund kills Smalljon and Ramsay, decidedly unhappy, retreats to Winterfell with Jon and Wun Wun in hot pursuit. The giant bashes down the gate with relative ease (this is what was called a “impenetrable castle” if you recall) but even he is feeling a bit tired, after all he’s got so many arrows in him he might as well be a coat hanger. The Stark forces enter the castle and the fight is won. But Jon is focused on one thing: Ramsay, who fires arrows killing Wun Wun and then at Jon as he charges across the courtyard he trained in as a child. He tackles and beats Ramsay until Sansa arrives.
They exchange a look like “Oh, sorry you had dibs?” So Jon spares the Bastard of Bolton and has him imprisoned. Sure enough, Sansa’s first ask of Jon once their forces have reclaimed the castle is where Ramsay is being kept. Fittingly, it’s the dog kennel. While he taunts his final taunts, Sansa knows what’s she going to do, because she’s already done it. She unlocked the cages to his hounds, the same dogs he’d gleefully mentioned he had starved to feed with his enemies.
Meereen: Dany, Tyrion and Daario
While the Northern battle is certainly the focus of the episode, it begins with the Siege of Meereen, where the Masters’ fleet continues an endless bombardment on the city. Dany is quite, shall we say, stern with Tyrion, who’s plan admittedly did not live up to expectation. However, Dany’s plan for her usual righteous vengeance does not sit well for Tyrion either.
He reminds her of the deceased father Mad King and confides in him the secret of why his brother Jaime killed him: his threat to burn King’s Landing to the ground with wildfire. Ostensibly he is showing her how to forge a new path but it’s complete foreshadowing. That rumor Qyburn investigated last week? Yep, Cersei’s gonna go Mad Queen on us.
Back to Meereen, Dany meets with the Masters. Their threats fall on deaf ears when Drogon arrives (seriously, does everyone forget this girl has dragons?). We here at Thrones always expect things to go sideways for our beloved characters, but here is an example of a confluence things going Dany’s way (as it belatedly does for the Starks). Rhaegal and Viserion break out of their prison and join Drogon burning the fleet while her Dothraki horde set upon the Sons of the Harpy left in the city. They truly did not skimp for this episode, with spectacular CGI on the dragons flying above the city, setting fire to the slavers’ fleet.
While I thought we’d see the Greyjoy fleet join the battle, instead we cut straight to Yara and Theon presenting themselves before Dany and Tyrion in the throne room. They warn her of their uncle’s plans and his intention to marry her for her claim and dragons. Amidst talk of past slights, bad fathers and feminist rule, they agree to a deal: Dany with help Yara sit the Salt Throne as the independent queen of the Iron Islands in return for her help retaking Westeros and the abolishment of the Ironborn’s rape-and-pillage lifestyle.
MISSING THIS WEEK:
- Literally everybody else
NEXT WEEK:
It’s here. The finale. “The Winds of Winter.” How galled must George R.R. Martin that the Benioff & Weiss get to publish something with that title before him?